The Arrowgroup

Saturday 22nd May: Arrow TV Channel 1

06:00 ARROW ARRIVAL.
In the first of a four-parter we follow the adventures of the famous Arrow Group as they travel down to Devon and Cornwall. The this programme we see them pay for their first campsite at Byslades in Paingnton, handing over the naughty money and setting up of the tent.
13:00 AIMLESS WANDERING.
Tedious series in which the Arrow Group mill around various seaside towns bickering about nothing in particular. Watch out for the tall chap with the moustach; a king among moaners.
17:00 CHIPS WITH EVERYTHING.
Food is definitely the order of the day as the Arrow Group show us how to stand in a queue at a Paignton fish and chip shop, confusing the assistant behind the counter with continual shouting and not having the right money.
19:30 ARROWTAPPERS AND DRINKERS SOCIAL CLUB.
Revivied variety show starring the Arrow Group set in a pub. The quality of the acts is debatable, but look out for a turn called Mr Fixit in which he can (apparently) diagnose a non-working fruit machine.
19:30 FILM: THE BIG SLEEP.
A new season of films on Arrow TV start as we premiere the first of an exciting run of major high action movies. The Arrow Group star as four lifeless corpses in a tent after closing time.

Sunday 23rd May: Arrow TV Channel 2

08:00 ARROWTUBBIES.
Chrisy-Winky, Nicsy, Ma-Mark and Stu-Po discover a wash basin for the first time. Nu-Nu tries to clean up the tent but there's so much mess he can't keep up. Naught Arrowtubbies! Watch tomorrow when Ma-Mark tries to fit in a doorway and gets stuck.
10:00 TOP GEAR.
This week, the Ford Seirra Estate. Chris of the Arrow Group puts this nifty little car through it's paces by driving it very fast through the Cornish countryside. 'This is the best car I've driven in ages' comments Chris, 'it ploughs through hedgerows so easily. I can get it up on 2 wheels so easily too!'
16:30 ARROWNATION STREET.
Weekly soap series. Stuart reveals his other life as a teletubbie. Nic tells the group about his secret love affair with a fruit machine. Mark forgot to bring a towel and got derided and chided by the other characters. Chris came clean about his previous driving convictions. Stuart tries to comfort his seriously ill wallet.
18:30 TOP OF THE FLOPS.
Pop mediocrity working overtime on tonight's show with acts from Mine's a Lager, The Vomits and KP Nuts and newcomers In the Gutter. Plus a special appearance of the Arrow Group singing 'Yer Gonna Get Docked In'. Introduced by Jimmy Saville.
01:00 NIGHT THOUGHTS.
The Rev. Stuart Bestwick reads the bedtime favourite 'Thatcher: the Downing Street Years' to the Arrow Group.
01:01 CLOSEDOWN.

Monday 24th May: Arrow TV Channel 3

07:45 THE BIG BREAKFAST.
The start of a new day sees the Arrow Group gnashing their way through the very best of what the great British greasy spoon cafe has to offer. Among the favourites on the menu were Listeria, Salmonella and Botulism and high colesteral. Nutritious pieces of fresh fruit were not available.
09:30 GOLFING FROM NEWQUAY.
The Arrow Cup is up for grabs in this closely fought contest in which the players club the ball and shortly after club each other. The rest of the programme is then spent looking for the ball in the scrub. No diamond pattern jumpers were harmed during the making of this programme.
14:00 WILDLIFE SHOWCASE.
This week we are down by the seaside, at Bedruthan Steps in Cornwall. Watch fascinated as we see a group of simple-celled creatures moving around in a rock pool. Then the Arrow Group get out and return to the car.
17:15 IN THE PSYCHIATRIST'S CHAIR.
Prof. Nic Wright poses the important question: Are the Arrow Group sane? And if not, would hitting them over the head with a large mallet cure them?
19:00 AN AUDIENCE WITH THE ARROW GROUP
Patrons of the Frog and Tadpole public house at St Columb Minor get the chance to put some hard hitting questions to members of the Arrow Group before they fall asleep.
12:00 THE STRAIGHT LINE.
An attempt by the Arrow group to walk back to the tent in the manner of this show's title. And spectacularly failing.

Tuesday 25th May: Arrow TV Channel 4

08:30 TOP CAT
Mark of the Arrow Group in his usual role.
09:30 THROUGH THE KEYHOLE.
Lloyd Grossman crawls through a mouldy four man tent containing old socks,stiff sleeping bags and abandoned pants and asks: Who's tent is this? The guests who have to decide are Mark, Stuart, Chris and Nic.
10:00 MY FAVOURITE FRUIT.
This week Chris of the Arrow Group muses on the merits of the crunchy apple.
11:30 REFLECTIONS.
A poignant time as the Arrow Group have the chance to reflect on their past four days in the southwest. Nic decides that the rest of the group were victims of free-market capitalism and Stuart moaned that he didn't moan enough and will try to improve his moan rate in future. Chris is hoping not to be late back home otherwise his fiance will be waiting with a rolling pin, while Mark promises that he will definitely bring a towel to the next outing which, they have decided, will be in Dumfries and Galloway.
05:30 FILM: GET CARTER (1971)
Great film but sadly nothing to do with this trip. Pity..
05:30 CLOSEDOWN
Goodbye Eric!